


Tonpa and his Pet Spider, Pike.

by randylahey5446



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack Relationships, Gay, M/M, Pets, Porn, Protective Killua Zoldyck, Why has God abondoned me, Yaoi, idk - Freeform, it's not actually, killua - Freeform, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:04:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9451403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randylahey5446/pseuds/randylahey5446
Summary: Tonpa loves his pet spider, Pike, and his pet loves him back. But, unfortunately, Pike has a tendency to misbehave a little.





	1. Chapter 1

Tonpa was taking his pet spider, Pike, out for a walk during this wonderful, sunny afternoon.

Pike loved his daily walks, but he has a knack for misbehaving.

"Goddamn Pike! How many times do I have to tell you?! Shit on the grass, not on my shoes!"

"I can't help it my darling! My anus gets soo twitchy whenever I'm around my sweet, Tonpa,"

"...you're fucking disgusting," Tonpa snarled, using the bag to wipe the shit off of his shoes. "Sometimes, I wish we just left you for dead in NGL,"

"How can you say such a thing? Especially to your lover-,"

" _Shhhhh! This type of relationship is frowned upon in society, if anyone finds out, each of us will be getting the chair by the association. Understand?"_

"Jesus Christ, babe, _I knoooowwww, goooodddduhhh,"_ Pike rolled his eyes, using his sass to dominate the conversation. "Sometimes I wish you were like one of the boys I come across. They got that good _boy pussy, if you know what I'm saying,"_

"You know what? If you like little boys so much, you would of left me a long time ago. I pay for your food, shelter, play toys, tennis balls, I put peanut butter over your pills so you can swallow the damn medication, pick up your shit during walks, pretty much _always_ do most of the work during sex, and you don't even appreciate what I do for you. You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"

"Figuratively _and_ literally, you know that babe,"

"...not this discussion again,"

"My dick is bigger than yours, but ever since that one night when my dick caused all that tearing, you _still_ wont let me do anal. You fucking cunt,"

"Alright, keep it down, you don't any neighbors picking up on this shit, do you?"

"... _fiiiiinnneuhhh,"_ Pike sassed, as he kept his mouth shut for a while.

* * *

15 minutes went by, and the two crossed paths with a familiar face.

"Ayo, is that you Tonpa?!"

"... _fuck! Not this asshole,"_ he sighed under his breath, as Killua came up to him.

"Holy crap, it's you! What's the matter, did you fail the Hunter Exams again,"

"Haha, yeah, maybe next year," Tonpa replied, wanting to fucking strangle this kid to death.

"Oh, this is my sister, Alluka. Come on don't be shy,"

"Hiii!" Alluka squeaked adorably.

Pike then put on his best rape face, because there was nothing else he loved more than such, unripened fruit.

He then lunged air-borne towards them with the intent of doing no-no things to them. Before Killua can decapitate all of his limbs, Tonpa then sprays him in the eyes with a bottle of Windex cleaner to stop him in his tracks.

"What the fuck was that?! What the _fuck_ was that and what the actual _fuck_ did he just try to do to us?!"

"Sorry, it's just that I haven't neutered the fellow yet, but-,"

"He could have hurt someone! Do you have any fucking idea what I would have done to that, _thing,_ if it weren't for that bottle of Windex? Besides, my sister is a _very_ young girl, so can you fucking imagine what that abomination of a creature could have done to her if there were no one to stop it?!"

"I'm sorry man, I-,"

"Fucked up, that's what you were going to say, right? Because you fucked up big time asshole! You owe me an apology," Killua demanded, as Pike was making autistic screeches in the background from the pain.

"I don't owe you shit," Tonpa fired back, getting a vicious kick in the balls from Killua as Alluka spat on his face.

"You know what, I'll let you live _and_ keep all your body parts for now. I'll even let you keep that _thing_ of yours a pet for the time being. But the next time I see something like this happen, I'm reporting this to the association," Killua threatened, holding out his license.

Thus concludes another walk for Tonpa and his pet spider, Pike.


	2. Chapter 2

The duo went into their apartment and flopped on the couch.

Pike started smoking crystal meth.

"Pike, are you trying to be funny?"

"What?"

"Doing something edgy for comedic relief, it _is_ a plausible writing strategy _especially_ when you're in a writer's block. But since there's really no inspiration behind it, it just looks kind of stupid," Tonpa said, dissing my writing style.

"What do you mean 'kinda stupid', I love doing crystal meth!"

"You don't even know how to smoke it. As a matter of fact, you're not even smoking it, you're just eating the crystals like a fucking idiot right now,"

"...you're not supposed to eat them?"

Tonpa then face-palmed himself into another omniverse.

Once he came back to the real world, he walked in on Pike spitting out the crystals upon the realization that you're not supposed to eat them.

"I don't know Tonpa! I'm just trying to fit in and all with the cool kids, is wanting companionship with people outside your lovers really a problem?"

"Lovers? Who else are you seeing?"

"Who the hell do you think?"

Tonpa remembered he was talking about Hisoka, and didn't give a shit because in this fic, everyone who was gay fucked around with Hisoka.

"Anyway, as I was saying, I just feel like nobody gives a shit about me. The only people that even like me are the people who think that I look exotic and wanted to fuck me. I honestly thought it was cute at first, until I realized that everyone else saw me as the freak-show that I am. When I approach people and try to start a genuine conversation with them, they always have some sort of displeasure on their face; as if they want to do _anything_ but to get to know me, that I have feelings and _even_ a personality behind this silly appearance," Pike sighed, with a slight laughter from his own self deprecation.

"I don't know man, it feels funny on one hand, but once I realize just how shallow all the personal connection I have left are, I just get so depressed thinking about it. I had companions that I talked, laughed, and hunted with back at NGL, but they're all dead. _Fucking dead!_ Like, Fucking-A, you have no idea how much that thought haunts me at night; all my friends are gone and I will never have any friends like them again. Because  _everybody_ makes up their mind when they see me that I'm some sort of freak not worth getting to know. A freak that is either a punch-line to a funny joke, or a scary monster to avoid. Either way, I'm always lonely at the end of the day and I just use sex to repress my feelings so they are somewhat bearable....do you feel me at all?"

Tonpa had no idea what the fuck Pike was talking about. He was already fucking baked off of that premium shit that Pike spat out a minute ago.

"...of course, smoke my crack why don't you? That's hundreds of dollars that you're never going to pay me back in," Pike sighed, as Tonpa makes eye contact with him for the first time in the conversation.

"Pike, can you, like, shut the fuck up. You're killing my vibe," Tonpa said, irritating Pike further. "Besides, if you're this sad, why don't you just kill yourself you fucking pussy."

"Ironically, I don't have any motivation to do so, I'd rather that somebody else would just kill me instead,"

"Well, just think how much better the world would probably be better without you, that should be more than enough motivation to just do it. Just think about it, man,"

"I already tried to die once today, what do you think that thing with Killua was all about? Do I really look like the type of guy to _actually_ want to do those things to those kids?"

Tonpa took a moment to look at Pike's face.

"Not only that, but you look like you would have done _a lot_ more too,"

"Go fuck yourself!" Pike yelled, storming out of the room and flipping a couple of tables. "It's all about the sex and laxatives with your sorry ass, you don't even care about my feelings!!"

"...you're so dumb," Tonpa said under his breath, looking at the ground and looking more mellowed out than Jesse Pinkman getting high off his own product.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!! Are you just going to ignore me like I'm just some sort of pest?!!"

"...yep,"

"Fuck you!! I wish I could not give a shit like you, I wish I could become the psychopath that you are so that I can take pleasure in other people's suffer like you do!! You are the worst kind of fucking person, you that?? I fucking hate your guts, sorry I never had the heart to tell you before, but I really do!! The only reason why I'm still with you is because I don't have anywhere else to go. Does that make you feel anything? Does it make you feel like this _whole_ relationship is just based off of that one little aspect?"

"...me, having no feelings for you? A psychopath? You hating me? What are you, fucking high?"

" _YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S HIGH, NOT ME!!"_

"Lol, ikr?" Tonpa responded, making Pike sigh out of defeat and take a seat next to him on the couch.

"Hey, um, sorry about that emotional mess. Since now that I could be certain that our relationship will never go anywhere emotionally because you can't take me seriously even when I'm opening up to you, can you give me a hit of that meth?"

"Seesh, you should have just asked," Tonpa said, helping Pike get intoxicated off of that Heisenberg-level shit.

Thus concludes another domestic dispute between Tonpa and his pet spider, Pike.  


	3. That guy from the Soparnos shows up and no-no things happen

After they got high, they had anal and had a really good time.

 

...holy fuck, that ryh-

 

" _onnnniiii-chaannnn!!"_

 

Tonpa started to freak the fuck out, wondering if it were the shitlords from the HxH subreddit trying to torment him again."...Pike?"

 

"Yes, sweet cheeks?"

 

"What the fuck was that noise?"

 

"It's just a little code that me and little Chrissy-poo made a while back?"

 

"...Chrissy-poo?"

 

"Yeah, just shut the fuck up and let me respond," Pike demanded, opening up the window. " _WWAAAADIBAA CHIN-CHIN NADAISKI NANDAYO  HENTI COCO-HIN HAKU JIN SHIINEE!!!"_

 

Then, some suspicious Italian guy in a black hoodie came out of the bushes holding a gun at his side. " _Not so fucking loud, do you want me to get fucking arrested while you spend the rest of your days sucking up your fanook lover's precum off of his cock with a straw?!"_

 

Pike liked the thought because he has a serious straw fetish. "I'm sorry honey, I had a _really_ tough day with the bae, I just got so excited when you-,"

 

"Shut the fuck up, you owe me 15 grand!" The Italian yelled, as Tonpa looked out the window and realized that was no ordinary Italian.

 

"...holy shit, Pike, how the fuck do you know Michael Imper-,"

 

" _Shhhhh!!!! You're going to activate his Hatsu,"_ Pike hushed, as he went back to the guy from the Sopranoes. "Look, I'll pay you back next week, man, I already paid you ten grand and I'm short. I know I accidently killed one of your guys, but he made fun of me for being gay. Like, do you really think I like being made fun of for being gay?"

 

"And do you think I like the thought of you making one of my own men suffocate in your ass while you kept spitting on his dick with your acidic spit?!"

 

"...but, he made fun of me for being gay, though,"

 

"Doesn't matter, if you do not pay me back right now, I'm going to activate my Hatsu,"

 

Pike knew he was at dire straits and he didn't have the money, but, Tonpa did....

 

"No Pike, you owe me five grand for the surgery on your throat when we agreed that I would use Ko while my dick was in your throat, and you nearly died because you're a retarded imbecile who doesn't know how to use Ren!"

 

Pike whispered under his breath "...it was another suicide attempt,"

 

"What?!!"

 

"Kiddinnnng, goooooduhhhh," as Pike was being sassy, Michael Imperiolli's Aura started to flow and he was starting to activate his Hatsu because I just mentioned the actor that played Christopher Moltisanti from the Sopranoes.

 

" _N-NANII??!!!"_ Tonpa couldn't believe his eyes, but it all happened too fast for him to process. 

 

The guy from The Sopranos turned into Shrek and started to ass-fucked Tonpa until he started shitting out CD copies of the Phantom-Rouge movie and the Taco Bell he had from earlier that day.

 

Pike took pictures of it, and uploaded it to social media.

 

Thus concludes another romantic evening for Tonpa and his pet spider, Pike.

 

(and the greaser magically stole $20,000 from Tonpa's bank account)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...fucking christ


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Later chapter spoilers after the all-caps italicized section (skip the one line of third person narration after that and you'll be good)

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Pike was on the couch watching HBO melodramas while Tonpa was scratching his dick eating fried Oreos.

"So, ummm...Tonpa, what do you want to do today?"

"I dunno, what do you want to do?"

"Uhh, we haven't seen a movie in a while,"

"We never seen a movie, idiot,"

 _...I'm trying to have a conversation with you for Christ's sakes!_ "Um, I heard Lego Batman is pretty good, we should go check it out,"

"It's probably shit,"

"Well, I heard that it's really good, I mean the Lego movies in general. Not only from people I've talked to online, but from very respectable critics, too, such as Super Eyepatch Wolf, Digibro, Nostalgia Critic, and the Screen Junkies have at least given some sort of praise towards the Lego movies. I think we should try to watch one, what do you think?"

"What the fuck is a Digibro and what the fuck is a Super Eyepatch Wolf?"

"...they're anime reviewers,"

"Ha, fucking nerds," Tonpa sneered, grabbing the vodka out of the fridge.

"Fuck you! Being a nerd is way more respectable than what you are,"

"Oh, really? What am I?"

Tonpa's adrenaline was pulsing through his veins as his whole body started to shake in anger. " _A FUCKING PLEB! A GOOD FOR NOTHING, ASS FULL OF SHIT, PIECE OF SHIT, BROKE-ASS NIGGA, MANIPULATIVE, STUPID, DUMB KID WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO DOESN'T KNOW HIS FUCKING PLACE IN THE WORLD!"_

"...you're right, maybe I am just a kid," Tonpa started, chugging down half-the bottle and getting up from his seat. "You know what; I've been through a lot over the last 50 years, 3 months, 6 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes, and 27 in a half seconds,"

"Fuck, umm...I had no idea you were going to take it this way. Look, I'm sorry, I just get-,"

"No, no, you're right. That's exactly what I am, a kid. And if there is anything that I have learned from that time period, is that _you are, who you are,_ "

Pike felt like absolute shit for exploding on Tonpa.

"And no amount of Aura, Nen, the small business that I run with my wife and college-bound child is going to change that,"

"Wait a minute, you have a wife?"

"It's an open relationship, things are complicated, you wouldn't understand you freak,"

_I'm the freak?!_

"Bullshit aside, nothing is going to change the fact that no matter how old I am or what I do, I'm going to be a little kid on the inside; taking what I want without permission, mindlessly hold goals and ambitions that are out of my reach, crying over lost friends, and wearing my heart on my sleeve the exact way anyone like me would; like a kid,"

Despite all of the moments of bullshit the two have endured, there were certain moments when all of the misadventures and disputes were set aside, for the moments that showed them why they were together in the first place.

"I did everything that a kid wouldn't do; take the Hunter Exam more than 30 times, run a small business, and, _"_ Tonpa then suddenly went into the bedroom to grab something out of there. But Pike was suspicious, because it looked as though something was going to happen. That very something seemed to be a part of someone's sick, twisted game, that would have accounted for ones pleasure and another person's suffering.

A comedic gag...

" _AND I DID EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAID A KID COULDN'T DO! I MADE IT TO SHELL CITY, AND I BEAT THE CYCLOSPE, I RODE THE HASSELHOFF, AND I BROUGHT THE CROWN BACK!"_ Tonpa screamed into the microphone, as a P.A. system magically appeared in the living room. " _SO YEAH, PIKE, I'M A KID, AND I'M ALSO A GOOF-BALL, A WING-NUT, AND I'M ALSO A KNUCKLE-HEAD MCSPAZATRON, A-,"_

"You're a goofy-goober, haha, you're so funny, Tonpa, nice refrence!" Pike said casually, as Tonpa froze and the smoke cleared.

"..."

"Come on, finish the joke!

...Pike killed the joke harder than Hisoka did to sexy-Kurapika rip-off and that thingy-mc-jig nobody gave a shit about in chapter 357.

Tonpa felt more awkward than that one time when he encountered that one rookie applicant that had high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome, and kept talking for hours about Moe anime and kept scratching his butthole without any shame. Like, literally, strait up scratching his asshole, sniffing his hand, while talking about the genius of K-on! for a half an hour until while he was scratching his asshole, he shat himself while his finger was in his asshole, and licked the waste off of his hands and continued talking about Moe for another hour and a half.

Even that was less awkward than Pike's god-awful comedic timing just now.

"Um...Pike?"

"Yes, my scrumptious-sexy wexy-,"

"Shut the fuck up," Tonpa cleared his throat. "Anyway, I had enough of your shit, it's been fun hanging out with you, but I'm breaking up with you,"

"Kek, you always say things like that bubbie. I love you and you love me, isn't it obvious? Despite us being years past our prime, we still see something in each other that brings out the youthful joy within us that we each thought we lost long ago. When I'm with you, I feel ecstatic, like not only I'm on top of the world, but I'm jumping off of it to float among the stars with a certain sense of-,"

He was interrupted by the slam of the door, and a note left on the table saying "yeah, um, I kinda meant it so...yeaahhh. See ya, dude, it's been real lol,"

Thus concludes a heart-retching break-up for Tonpa and his pet spider, Pike.


End file.
